i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
