She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
