Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
a search helicopter?!
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
