Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
