saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
