The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
sarcasm needs its own font
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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