We're facebook friends in real life
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
