According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
