Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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