you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
