So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
