I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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