Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
