shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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