A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
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