I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
