Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Randomize
