i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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