i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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