I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
