The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
