I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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