My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
