I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
