The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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