you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm too high and old for this...
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
