you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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