my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
