so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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