I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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