i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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