This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
