One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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