3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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