conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
as a side note pls kill me
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
