I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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