My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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