I'm lost and stupid without you.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
