hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I am never drinking with the goths again.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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