you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
