I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
ttyl tear gas
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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