I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
