So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Houston, we have a squirter
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
