When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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