There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
