I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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