Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
