It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
