Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
my shit smells like andre
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
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