i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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