It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
