Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
